I don’t really know where to start. I wanted to make a video as something’s happening tonight that happens to me quite often. Something that I’m starting to talk about a bit.
It’s the fear of being alone.
The fear of being home alone, the fear of solitude. The fear of being with yourself and with your thoughts.
It’s something that I’ve had for a long time and that I’ve been trying to fight. In the end, talking about it helps to correct the problem. Tonight I saw myself doing the same thing.
I’ve had a busy day, of course, since I’m someone that doesn’t like to have gaps. Even if at the moment I could take it slowly. But no. So I get out of the swimming pool, I’m so tired. I get home after the transport strikes. A tiring day.
I say to myself that tonight I could have a quiet evening. Chill out, do one of the coding classes that I’m taking at the moment with a glass of wine. But I can’t do it. Being alone is something stressful. So I saw myself posting a story on Instagram, asking if anyone wanted to go out for a drink. A sort of cry for help. And luckily, because of the strikes, no one answered.
So time goes on and the fear sort of disappears. You chill out a bit, get your computer out and do your coding classes. You have a glass of wine, make some food. In the end, the fear goes away.
That moment is crazy. The moment when I know I’ve had a long day, I know I’m tired but I still took a 30-minute nap in case I ended up going out. Instead I should be telling myself to chill and go to bed early. But no. You see yourself doing it and it’s stronger than you. A sort of fear, of addiction.
It’s something that I wasn’t conscious of before. So the first step is becoming aware. The second step was to talk about it. Own up to my own weakness. It’s something that I’ve had for a long time. Since I arrived in Paris, since I was 18. When I wanted to fill the void and give out this image of the entrepreneur who does loads of stuff and has a packed week. “He doesn’t have the time.” I would tell people not to call me as I didn’t like it.
I created this type of person, extremely hyperactive. Or at least, people have this hyperactive image of me. “He always has loads of things going on, there’s no point in asking him out anywhere.” So in the end you create this perverse effect where you end up alone. At least for me, nobody calls me at the weekend to go out for a meal. So as you’re on your own, you compensate by being more and more hyperactive.
It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.
It makes me think of Robin Williams who was somebody who gave out this image of being extremely happy but was in fact depressive. I’m not depressive, I’m just saying that we often have people around us that are in appearance very extreme. They are sometimes very very funny, they love being really occupied and productive. Sometimes, and I’m not saying that it’s true for everyone, you must be careful and ask them if they are doing it to hide something.
In my case, I love my hyperactivity, it’s a strength. I love having so much energy, it’s great. Except when you have great powers, you have to use them for good. And when, like me, you’ve used them to fill a void, then you never really learn to be happy on your own. To be peaceful, to chill out, to spend time alone at home, read a book, etc. The only way I found to read a book was to make a challenge out of it. Now I like reading.
I don’t know if this video is going to be useful but it helps me to talk about it. It’s funny because I’ve met quite a few people like me. Entrepreneurs who do loads of things. That work out, have a company, do interesting things, they’re always partying, always going out for meals. In the end, when we have the courage to mutually admit things, we realise that, yes, sometimes we feel alone. So there we have it, it’s not because someone gives the impression of being really busy that they don’t need a little help.