This is my longest story ever! If someone had told me one day that I would have a blog with articles approaching 10,000 words, I wouldn’t have believed it! Don’t worry, I’ve taken care to break the article down into chapters to help you get straight to the point.
- MY SPIRITUAL QUEST’S ORIGIN
- VISION QUEST: A RITE OF PASSAGE
- MY 52 INTENTIONS
- MOSQUITO HAMMOCK AND BABY WIPES
- THE DAY BEFORE THE EXPERIENCE
- THE EXPERIENCE : DAY 1
- THE EXPERIENCE : DAY 2
- THE EXPERIENCE : DAY 3
- THE EXPERIENCE : DAY 4
- MY 6 VISIONS (and their interpretations)
My spiritual quest’s origin
If you are subscriber to my newsletter “DailyMax” since 2020, you know that I am pursuing a quest based on 7 energy levels. And if you’ve been following me for more than 2 years, then you know how much in life is possible, and how amazing life changes can be achieved, one small victory at a time (the famous 1% better every day).
In 2020, I started with the first 3 energies that seemed to me the easiest to work on: moving well / eating well / sleeping well. I read and tested by myself everything I could. The results were partially bluffing. At 35 years old, I achieved my greatest sporting feats, such as climbing The Mont Blanc, becoming Half Iron Man or doing 1,000,000 jump rope jumps in 250 days. I also became plant-based and acquired an average sleep efficiency of +95%.
In 2021, I focused on the other 3 energies: breathing, loving and awakening. Concerning the “spirituality” part of my quest, I didn’t go with the back of the spoon. You have to admit that Mexico is incredible on these subjects. Here, you can experience spirituality like you can ride a bike in Paris. This country has an insane energy, a real vortex.
My first experience was a 10-day silent retreat in New Zealand. At the time, it was the craziest experience I had ever had. I had no idea what was to come.
In 2021, everything accelerated when I arrived in Mexico. I discovered Holotropic Breathwork in Sayulita (I talk about it here in video). I participated in 6 workshops in 3 months, each one more powerful and liberating than the other.
In reality, “powerful” is relative, especially when compared to the following life-changing experience. There was a “before-bufo” and an “after-bufo”. I’ll let you discover why below.
In May 2021, I came across a video by Loic Le Meur that explained the principle of the Vision Quest. I had never heard of this ceremony. 4 days alone without eating or drinking, staying in a square in the middle of the jungle? Strangely, I felt attracted by the idea.
Sometimes you just have to ask the universe. I met a shaman in Oaxaca who specializes in Peyote. She asks me if it is on my bucket list because a ceremony is organized in November in the Yucatan. Seeing my interest for the question, she tells me that there will be a Vision Quest to do just before. That’s all it took to book a return ticket to Mexico in November!
A quick aside about the Peyote ceremony. To be honest, I didn’t have too many expectations, but I didn’t think it would be so powerful. If you’re interested, feel free to ask me for access to my story.
Vision Quest : a rite of passage
The Vision Quest is a rite of passage “into adulthood” in some Native American cultures. It always revolves around a complete fast of four days and four nights, alone in the wilderness, in a sacred place chosen by the elders.
During this time, the “visionary” will find himself/herself and his/her 52 prayers (intensions) to offer love, gratitude, respect and commitment to the whole community of which he/she is a part. The spirits will then come to him/her with visions to help him/her find meaning in his/her life, his/her role in the community and the best way to serve his/her people. This vision can take many forms and requires specific interpretation.
For centuries, the Vision Quest has been the foundation of the spiritual path in many traditions, along with other ceremonial practices such as Temazcal and the Sun Dance. Alone in a natural sanctuary, we seek to connect with our inner selves, with the forces of nature, with the Great Spirit and allow ourselves to receive the gift of deep purging from all the burdens of our daily lives and to open our senses to the voice of our inner medicine. Yes, quite a program!
There are two groups during the ceremony. The visionaries and the volunteers (support group). During the 4 days, where the visionaries will be left to their own resources in the jungle, the volunteers will protect the camp and keep the sacred fire burning. They will also sing, eat/drink and make regular offerings, in order to balance the individual work of the visionaries.
Key points:
- An introspective exercise in willpower, focus and letting go
- Clarity through isolation from the city, work, family and relationships
- Deep reflection on our life/history (what worked and what didn’t)
- Surrendering to the Great Spirit by learning to trust ourselves, the community and the universe.
Preparation the week before :
- Reduce your caloric intake as the ceremony approaches. Ideally, only one meal a day
- Reduce salt and sugar (or even remove it completely)
- Stop eating meat, fish and dairy products (basically, go vegan)
- No sex or masturbation (you need to conserve your sexual energy)
- No alcohol, tobacco, caffeine or drugs
My 52 intentions
You are allowed to have two things with you: your camping gear and your intentions (prayers). Each visionary must prepare a list of 52 intentions, 13 for each direction (East, West, South and North). All directions represent specific archetypes and energies, to which the prayers are dedicated.
Intention is very different from “I want”. Intention is a deeply energetic process, to bridge the gap between who we are today (what we show to others, all the masks we wear) and who we are becoming/growing.
It’s all about balance. Too much tension and you can become disconnected from matter or spirit. Too little tension, and one can remain identified only with the ego and spend four days suffering from hunger without seeing any meaning in it.
Rather than a long speech, I propose to share with you my 52 intentions (click on the image below). They are obviously very personal and linked to a moment of my life. I think that the same exercise, 5 years ago or in 10 years, will necessarily give a different result. We are always evolving, especially when your job is to make your dreams come true! (see my full-time job)
Mosquito hammock and baby wipes
Let’s take 5 minutes to talk about gear because it’s an aspect that should not be underestimated. Now that I’m out of the jungle, I can assure you that a lack of preparation can make your Vision Quest a real nightmare…
It all depends on where you do your Vision Quest. Mine took place in the jungle of Tulum with temperatures from 16° at night to 30° during the day. So we were in a “tropical” atmosphere, which means that a mosquito net was ESS-EN-TIAL!
The purpose of these 4 days is a work of introspection and self-reflection, so it is essential to be as far away as possible from “disturbing” logistical subjects (like mosquitoes or the cold night). So I set myself up in a “tropical” spirit to be sure to maximize my chances of having a “good time”.
- A tropic 900 mosquito-proof travel hammock
- An ARPENAZ 20° sleeping bag
- A “fresh” multi-function tarp
- An inflatable trekking pillow MT500 (must have!)
- A mosquito repellent spray
- Cleaning wipes for babies
- A legging for the night and to fight against mosquitoes
- A warm jacket for the night and sneakers for the day
- A knife (just in case), a lighter and garbage bags
- And all the “spiritual” materials such as tea bags and candles
The vision quest in the jungle of Tulum is organized by Ohtly Yancuic, a traditional medicine circle led by Sergio Gaona.
The day before the experience
This day “zero” starts in the Coutryard of Mexico City airport, where I decided to spend the night in stopover. I arrived the day before at 9pm with my brain completely out of focus after having slept 10 hours on melatonin (I took three tablets instead of the usual two on long flights). The night at the hotel will be short, just enough time to take a shower and sleep 6 hours, and here I am again to take the first plane to Cancun.
In Cancun, I was expected by Andrei, a Belarusian who didn’t speak a word of English or Spanish. The scene was comical to see: 2 bald people looking straight ahead for 2 hours without exchanging a word.
It is 12:30 when we arrive at Masha’s, my friend I met 2 months before in Oaxaca. (she is also Belarusian, but bilingual in English), who made this Vision Quest possible. She hears me sigh as we get out of the car, which makes her laugh: “Hey Max, welcome to Tulum, ready for the quest? Honestly, at the time she asked me the question, I just wanted a cold shower and a nap in a 19° room
Science Fact: A bedroom temperature of 18.3°C is ideal for most of us to sleep in with standard bedding and clothing. This is surprising information for many people, as it seems a little too cold to be comfortable.
Masha is surprised to see me so calm, with such serene energy. Of course, I was serene at the idea of going to lock myself in a hammock, but I was especially tired, with the jet lag and these 36 hours of door to door travel.
No time to tell our lives, we have to eat quickly a piece, because the car comes to look for us in 1 hour. Last check of the checklist to be sure not to forget anything. It takes a lot of things to make a Vision Quest! Wipes for baby (the shower is not included in the package!), 1 mirror, 1 saumador, 2 candles, 1 knife, some string, 52 pieces of fabrics of 4 colors (yellow, red, blue and white), some copal, some wood, lighters, 2 vases,…
The car is there. One is loaded like a mule. 10 min after the departure, an enormous white smoke leaves the hood. One stops the vehicle it is the cooling system which jumped. Should we see a bad omen there?
Anyway, we are about to live much worse in a few hours, that we all take the incident as a joke.
Masha makes 2/3 phone calls, a few minutes later, Adam is there to save us (on the right on the picture below). On the way, I ask him if he has ever done a Vision Quest. He answers yes. I ask him if he would do it again. He answers me “Why the hell, I will do that ? Ok…
After 30min of car, of which the last kilometer worthy of a Paris-Dakar, we arrive at the camp where the great majority of the volunteers and visionaries are there. What will always surprise me in this kind of experience, it is the ” bright ” side of the people who participate. They are all smiling, that “real smile” that you see too rarely in big cities.
We exchange quickly with the volunteers who are going to support us during these 4 days, by maintaining the fire of the camp continuously, by singing prayers and by preparing the meal of end.
We are asked to go to install our hammocks not far from the campfire. It is a very good idea! Having never set up a hammock, tarp or other camping system, I was very happy to be able to do so the night before the big jump. And yes, at 36 years old, this will be my very first night under the stars in a hammock.
Back to the campfire, we are announced a Temazcal to purify our body. I enter the first one and 15 others will follow. We are tight as in a sardine can. Fortunately, the roof of Temazcal was not very insulating and the temperature will remain suitable. We will make “two doors” instead of the traditional four.
A little thought for Nana, in charge of burning the copal on the lava stone, who made a too abrupt gesture, and spilled “burning wax” on my legs and hands. One more little test!
I realize that I am going to pee very often. Unconsciously since this morning, I drink a lot of water. Probably in anticipation of the coming lack. First “shower” with baby wipes. From you to me, it’s nice! I think back to my Triatlon races where we used to put Vaseline in the “rubbing” areas (proof in video at 00:22s). I do the same with my wipes!
Look at my watch. 17h00. It is already dark, it is crazy! It is necessary to say that this jungle is particularly “bushy”. Masha explains us how to light the Saumador with the wood of resin, to make burn the copal. We will have to do it several times a day to purify our place. We have to shorten the demonstration because it is 18:00 and it is (literally) dark in the jungle.
I have my last meal: 3 spring rolls and a big veggie salad. As I take my last mouthful, I wonder if hunger will be a problem during these 4 days. And of course, last tooth brushing!
Masha is near the fire finalizing her 52 intentions. She explains that I absolutely must do them tonight. It’s not about writing my intentions, it’s about making 52 little tissue bags with sage inside, which you close with a red wool thread. Quite a program! Except that it’s late, I’m exhausted and we can’t see anything. Worse, Marc tells me that it took 2 hours to reach the end… I feel the nervousness rising in me.
Relax Max, it’s going to be okay! I settle down near the fire, I turn on my front flashlight (hoping that the batteries I bought 1 year earlier don’t fail me in the middle of the quest!). There must be a way to “taylorize” all this. 1 min for the first pouch. Good news, we would be on 52 minutes. 45 seconds for the 5th pouch. 30 seconds for the 10th. Ok maxime, you can do it in 30min! Focus!
As I am about to proudly show my finished work to Masha, a volunteer offers me a bowl of coconut rice with roasted almonds. He knows how to take me by the feelings. I taste it and go back to brush my teeth. I come back near the fire to listen to the songs of the others.
Coincidence, I found the 2 shamans who had initiated me to my first temazcal (my experience here) last January. She sings with her baby in her arms, who is breastfeeding at her breast. This little girl with the blond head seems so anchored, so wild, in her natural space which seems however so far from what one could imagine for a baby of her age. I find these people “awake”, beautiful, they have something vibrant, bright, serene, grounded and present.
20h00. My eyes close by themselves, it’s time to go to sleep. I greet everyone and go to bed. 100% tired, 50% excited about tomorrow. I fall asleep directly but I am awakened by the cold. I take out the sleeping bag. I take the opportunity to pee again. Woken up again by the cold. I take out my jacket and I take the opportunity to pee again. I am definitely full of water! I had to pee 6 times in the night. I discovered that moment when you want to go pee, but you know you’ll have to get out of the sleeping bag, get out of the hammock, get back in the hammock and put the sleeping bag back on. The big deal….
Before going back to sleep, I ask myself why I’m here, what’s the worst that could happen. I come to the following ranking (in descending order): thirst, rain, boredom, mosquitoes and hunger. At this point, I had no idea how powerful a squadron of mosquitoes could be.
The experience: Day 1
Wake up just before the sun. I wait a few moments. No noise in the camp. I rush to the makeshift toilet to try to get a “big job” before being in the wilderness. Don’t judge me. It’s at this very moment that I hear shouting “Vamonos, Prepárate”. The whole camp starts to move, and I’m on the throne in the open air. Bad moment Maxime, bad moment…
We uninstall our hammocks and tarp (Decathlon, it is really good stuff!) Meeting around the fire. The Vision Quest will officially begin. We honor the east, the west, the south, the north, the sky, the earth, the fire and the water. We all look each other in the eye to realize that we will not really be alone, we will be “all together”.
We leave the camp the ones behind the others, while following Sergio, under the rhythm of the drums, in order to be placed in our “zone of work”. First stop, a shaman who carries the incense of copal looks at me and says: “Hey Max, Ven aquí. Serás el primero.” Surprised that he knows my first name, I come to wonder, “Why me first? Is that a good thing? So I’m the closest to the camp if ever? Okay that’s fine with me!”
So I stand there between “my two trees” and watch the procession leave slowly but surely. Everyone gives me a sympathetic look, some take me in their arms and the last one looks me straight in the eyes “todo, todo, todo”. I turn back to my two trees. Just as I’m about to get my gear out, the big job is pressing without warning. I find myself with my ass in the air between the bushes, alone with my present desire.
Two things cross my mind:
- The last time I was in this situation, I was 5 years old and it was under the apple tree of my grandparents in Bretagne (France).
- I had to ask the forest for permission to welcome me. Can we consider this as an offering?
I install my hammock by taking my time. I will often repeat it to myself: “Maxime take your time, take your time a lot”. I still have 16 hours before I fall asleep. It’s going to be long. So I decide to break down my tasks to interpose breaks in order to extend the day as much as possible.
After the installation of the hammock, I try to rest, I even hope to make a small nap and to continue the rest of the installation afterwards. But I am afraid that it will rain. And if it rains? Let’s finish the installation.
// Out of the hammock //
I take the rope to mark out “my space” in the form of a square to represent the four directions and to be able to hang the 52 “intention” pouches on. My technical reminder is YRBW for (yellow, red, blue and white). However, I don’t know if it is clockwise or not. No matter, it’s the intention that counts! (no word play of course)
Proud of myself, I take a moment to record this memory in my head and realize that I will spend 4 days in this hammock without eating or drinking. Suddenly, the fatigue overwhelms me, my body seems to give way under me.
// Back in the hammock //
A huge nap of 3 to 4 hours will follow. I have lost track of time, but the sun seems to be at its zenith when I wake up. I’m happy to see myself already at the mid-day of the first day. It’s getting hot. I can’t seem to “get anything done.” I see some possible improvements to my setup.
// Out of the hammock //
I try to burn the copal but without success. I turn in circles. I am bored. It is hot.
// Back in the hammock //
I notice that the tarp acts as a heat guard. I’m too hot all of a sudden. I take off my leggings, then my shorts. I can’t stand it.
// Out of the hammock //
Once outside, I sweat, I have to take off my shirt. Bad idea. 3 mosquito bites in 30 seconds.
// Back in the hammock //
No mosquito but too hot. What a dilemma! I slather myself with mosquito repellent and look for an activity to keep me busy. What if I carve some wood?
// Out of the hammock //
I’ll even plant them in the ground to make a path. Too many flying insects of all kinds. I give up. But it’s a jungle here! Yes, Max, you’ve got it right.
// Back in the hammock //
I observe them from the inside by the dozen trying to pierce the mesh of the mosquito net. It’s disturbing to feel caged by such small things. Having no solution to the rising heat, I decide to accept it and try a mediation. I will go day-dreaming, in my underwear in my hammock. You may have experienced it, but falling asleep in the heat provides very special dreams. I’ll be living in “big dreams” until the sun goes down. It is known in Vision Quest, the first day, we all let go of the pressure leading to long periods of napping.
As soon as the sun disappears, the temperature drops drastically. Against all expectations, I feel good, calm, without stress, no challenge, no constraint and strangely, I don’t feel thirsty or hungry. I take the time to reread my 52 intentions written on a piece of paper (this is allowed by the rules)
// Out of the hammock //
The temperature has gone down, I go out to get some fresh air. The hammock is suffocating me. I observe the forest and the incredible noise of the wind on the top of the trees like the caress of an invisible giant. The sun has finally fallen, how long it was! Time is a question of point of view finally. Life goes by so fast, at full speed when you look in the rear view mirror. I was talking about the Vision Quest 2 months ago and here I am in the hammock.
15min sitting on my tree trunk, I am no longer effective against the mosquitoes that have given the signal of my position.
// Back in the hammock //
I get ready for the night and hope that I will fall asleep again in one go. It was the case! Awakened in the middle of the dark night by the shamanic songs and the drums around the campfire. I also hear the sounds of a nightclub in the distance. What a contrast between them on the dancefloor and me in my hammock. I put my earplugs and go back to this space-time cocoon where you don’t see anything, you don’t hear anything, warm in the sleeping bag. I will spend the whole night half awake, alternating lucid dreaming and awake phases.
For once, I’m not afraid of being tired the next day. I feel good, warm, peaceful, waiting for the day to come. I will stay a long time in the dark and the most complete silence. Surely one of my most beautiful “present” moments, when you are “one” with what surrounds you.
The Experience: Day 2
Wake up at dawn. I must not be yet well set on the Mexican time zone. I wait patiently that the first sunbeams point their nose. I am in a good mood, we are at 30% of the Vision Quest!
// Out of the hammock //
Another pee/poo break. Last one? We’re at 34 hours of fasting. Without warning, I have a flash of the movie Papillon (the 2017 one, not 1973). For those who don’t have the reference, I’m talking about the moment when Henri Charriere, nicknamed “Papillon Pouce-coupé”, is sent 2 years in solitary confinement (see the movie clip). I set out to find my own routine!
I do 100 push-ups and yoga stretches. Ok that took me 10min. It must be 8 or 9 in the morning. The day will be loooooong. I decide to make a nice little garden in my 5m2. I cut sticks to create a small path. You never know, if I receive people! After 30min, I am sweaty and physically weakened. “Papillon Pouce-coupé” will be for later.
// Back in the hammock //
I meditate. The songs start again in the camp and new, also on the other side. A visionary must have taken his drum. I have the right to a small concert in staggered, I am delighted. The heat starts to rise.
// Out of the hammock //
I am rediscovering the joys of walking barefoot. When was the last time you spent a whole day walking with your feet in contact with the ground (the real one, not the concrete)? When have you spent a whole day lost in the forest? Personally, this is my first time. I try to build a fire in the Saumador but without success.The coal doesn’t want to burn.
My stomach is rumbling. It understands that it won’t have any food anytime soon and that it will have to go into fat (for information, I lost 5kgs in 4 days). We approach the 40 hours of fasting, I have a very flat stomach!
// Back in the hammock //
Back in my thoughts. I alternate between short meditations and a thoughtful look at the nature. I notice that I still have my leggings and my feet are almost cold. My body seems weakened and starts to conserve its energy for vital needs. Let’s get some sun.
// Out of the hammock //
Whoa, dizziness. I have to sit down. I try to guess the time according to the sun. I can’t. “If it’s rising there, then it must be mid-afternoon”. I wonder what messages the spirits will send me.
The first message is the concept of time. It can be long or short, it depends on us. With thousands of things to do, back-to-back meetings, time can be short. I remember saying the famous “Where did my day go? Isn’t it sad to wonder what happened to our most precious possession? I realize today in my hammock that time can be long. And yet, my days always have 24 hours.
The second message is our deep disconnection with nature, with this planet we live on. I had never looked at nature as I do today, with childlike eyes. I had never listened carefully to nature, to the sound of the wind on the leaves or the sound of the birds answering each other. I had never watched a snail move slowly (but surely) from branch to branch or a butterfly dance through the sunlight. It is fascinating to see all these animal species cohabiting in perfect symbiosis, respecting their environment. What we humans seem unable to do.
Without transition. Another pee break. It intrigues me to know how much water my body can store. I see something moving in the bushes, I think of the camp dog. I whistle. Oh no, not at all! It’s a huge wild ferret making its way. My bad.
// Back in the hammock //
The dreaded moment of the day arrives, when the sun is positioned right on my tarp and turns my hammock into a sauna. I can’t stay inside, even in my underwear. If I go out, I will be devoured by mosquitoes. I think back to the movie Papillon. Furtive look on my space around the hammock. There must be 10 meters long just in front. 10×100, that makes a 1000m! I can’t stand lying in this hammock anymore!
// Out of the hammock //
Let’s go for 1000m at a very slow pace to not sweat (and keep my water) and not reactivate my metabolism. Small 5 seconds break every 10 meters. I wonder what I’m doing here, walking in my underwear for 10 meters in the middle of the Mexican jungle. The good news is that I am still serene, neither thirsty nor hungry.
The sun passed on the other coast, we begin the afternoon. The 1000m are finished, no Strava to record the performance. I sit down on my trunk of tree to make go down my temperature. Ok, bad idea. Mosquitoes.
// Back in the hammock //
Frankly, we now send men into space to take selfies but we are not able to produce an effective mosquito repellent. I am perplexed.
I often think about Timeleft and the choices we are making. It’s beneficial to be able to think with a clear head without any interference. Thoughts for my sister who will be giving birth any day now. If I focus on the energies, I feel like she is not there yet (I was right). Thoughts for my father who is recovering and my mother who is home alone.
The third message seems to be for my addictions (alcohol, sugar, caffeine and sports). 2 days in the jungle show me that I am able to control them, to moderate them (which seems to be harder than to stop totally probably). I don’t miss any of them. The sun is about to disappear.
// Out of the hammock //
Another pee/poo break. Who would have thought it! No matter how much I look at the position of the sun, I have no idea what time it is or where it is. It’s been so long, I’m starting to feel dehydrated. My eyes are heavy. I don’t want anything, just for the cool to invade the forest to put me in my sleeping bag and sleep as long as possible. Tomorrow will be the last day, they will come by with a glass of water when I wake up. At least, that’s what they promised!
// Back in the hammock //
The 4th message: (re)learn to wait. Waiting all day for time to pass. Isn’t this something we have lost in our current society? Where everything goes faster and faster, where we no longer take the time to take the time?
2 hours I watch the sun fall behind the trees. The temperature drops, I put my leggings back on. I feel very tired and perplexed at the same time. The same question keeps coming up: why am I here? The night approaches. Not being able to stop my thoughts, I have the image of a hungry lion locked in a mosquito cage. Is this the beginning of the challenge? Tomorrow is the masculine energy, the day of the “warrior”, the most difficult.
This jungle is a real ballet, a symphony orchestra, with its dancers and musicians. Each one knows his role and his place. I put on my sweater, my socks and prepare the sleeping bag. I struggle not to close my eyes. With each degree of less, I get a little bit more into the sleeping bag. It’s crazy the difference in temperature between day and night.
I fall asleep for ” awake dreams ” like during my stay in Vipassana. The mind is so calm, far from all disturbing substances (alcohol, caffeine, stress,…) that you have the impression to “live your dreams”. Like on Netflix, you choose the subject and you go on a long dream, with the difference that you are the actor and not the spectator!
I will open my eyes a dozen times, not being able to distinguish the dream world from reality in this incredibly dark night. It is really special (but powerful at the same time) to feel like an actor of one’s own dream, to be able to decide the plot and the characters. I dream of events in the future, could it be the famous visions I’ve been waiting for?
The Experience: Day 3
I wake up happy with this beautiful night with my head in the clouds. Muscularly, it’s a different story. Spending 85% of the day lying in a hammock gives you aches and pains all over your body.
// Out of the hammock //
Another pee break. This is crazy! It’s cool outside and the mosquitoes are sleeping, it’s by far the most pleasant moment of the day. Start of the morning routine. 30/20/20/15/15 pushups + yoga stretch.
This morning has a special taste. Just thinking about it makes me salivate. This morning they are supposed to come by and check on us AND ESPECIALLY offer us a glass of water. Christmas comes early. I try not to think about it too much and not to have any expectations. To do this, I decide to burn my 52 intentions (the little bags). Yellow and red this morning to finish with blue and white this afternoon. For each burned bag, I reread the associated intention several times. It burns really well.
I hear footsteps. Yes, it’s them! It is a real cortege, they are about ten. The two young shamans advance towards me, one with a saumador made of embers and copal, the other with a pipe filled with tobacco. I close my eyes and let him do it. When I open them again, what a surprise… the chef hands me a cup with floating apple pieces! He says “despacito amigo, despacito”. I told myself that I would refuse to stay “pure” until the end, but the sight of those little pieces of apple crushed my resistance in one go.
I watch them go to the next visionary. I sit back down on my tree trunk with the cup in my hands. I look at these apple pieces with a big smile on my face. Today will be a good day! One sip at a time, I’m going to savor this nectar of the gods (really, it’s just water, right).
Back to burning my intentions. The knife raps on the rope, I cut my finger severely. I spoke too fast for the good day. I make a bandage with one of the bags. The heat rises, the mosquitoes wake up.
// Back in the hammock //
I go on an umpteenth meditation. What else. I hear a new caress of the wind on the top of the trees, I open my eyes, I see myself again as a teenager, under the apple tree of my grandparents in their country house lost in the middle of Morbihan. Beautiful moment. Thank you Vision Quest.
My bipolar side takes over, a few minutes later, I’m grumbling all alone in my hammock. I can’t meditate, sleep or watch the sun go down anymore. Let’s go burn some stuff.
// Out of the hammock //
A new poop break? This is fascinating! It’s crazy how much storage capacity our intestines have (science break: The small intestine is the longest part of the digestive tract. It is 6.5 to 7 meters long and is divided into three parts). To think that it’s been 65 hours since I ate anything. Sorry for the following, but I found it fascinating…
10min after my “poop”, it is covered with dozens of flies and ants. It looks like a mini deconstruction factory, where everyone takes home what he finds. Nature is well done. Nothing is lost, everything is transformed, everyone is used for something. Which is far from being the case in our society! Is this the 5th message of this Vision Quest? Just kidding.
// Back in the hammock //
The first negative thoughts of this “heavenly” stay enter my mind. My ego wants to take control of the situation. “Aren’t you tired of it? Come on, we give up, the camp is just next door. 3 days, isn’t it enough? We’ll never make it to tomorrow”. I apply the Vipassana teachings. I observe my thoughts, I detach them from me because they are not “me”. I breathe deeply and materialize positive thoughts. I know why I am here and we will go all the way. Bye Bye Ego, not today.
After the mosquitoes, the lack of time cues is the hardest. Without meals to break up the day or a watch to tell the time, you are completely lost. I’m not thirsty, not hungry, no bearings.
White clouds hide the sun. I start to hope that it will rain, just to have a bit of entertainment. Or as my friend Nacer says: “to have the all-inclusive package of the experience”. Panic attack. What if the sun on the hammock means 12pm instead of 4pm? Does that mean there’s still a whole half day left? Get me out of here!
// Out of the hammock //
Small 100x10m. Let’s get tired, but not too much, to sleep well tonight. The sun is still on the hammock, so I have no choice anyway. I make sure not to sweat (I think of the “distille”, the outfit used by the Fremen in the movie Dune by Frank Herbert). I walk like a third age zombie. By the way, I don’t know if sports are forbidden during a Vision Quest. At the same time, not many of us want to try it, or even think about it.
On each of my 10 meters prisoner’s walk, I watch the incredible work of flies decomposing on my big poo. It is fascinating, there is hardly anything left. 1000 meters later, the sun is still half on my tarp. Learning to wait. I’m in my underwear and training shoes in the middle of the jungle. I stare at the sun’s horizon line, which is not moving. All is well. I use a baby wipe on the rubbed areas.
// Back in the hammock //
Mosquitoes are still trying to break through the net. Without a mosquito net, the Vision Quest would be suicide! Despite my safety inside, I feel compelled to be on the alert as soon as the sound of mosquitoes approaches my ears. Like a stray dog, I look at the sun that does not move through the trees
Meditation. For my grandmother. My sister and her future daughter. My father and his convalescence. My mother and her strength of character. My close ones. My business partner. Timeleft. I’m turning 37 next month (December 13th, folks!). When I look at my tattooed arms, I realize how lucky I am, all the privileges I’ve received (read Malcolm Gladwell’s wonderful “Outliners”), all the life inside each little dot. I have been living my dreams for two years. I have never been as happy, aligned and awake as I am today. Of course I still lack the woman who will want to share her life with me, but I feel more ready than ever. I am now learning from each relationship, correcting flaws I didn’t see and most importantly, I am now clear about what I want (and what I don’t want anymore).
It’s definitely the longest day. I feel like the sun is stuck in the sky. I think of the meme “how to slow time”, and I laugh to myself imagining the “vision quest” version. The temperature is dropping.
// Out of the hammock //
Small “zombie walk” of 100x10m. Easier than this morning. I keep a slow pace, just before I feel the sweat. Quick look at the cloudy sky, I always wish for a “rain” moment. Joking aside, I can’t believe it’s still light out. Maybe time has stopped and I am obliged to stay here indefinitely? The mosquitoes pull me out of my thoughts.
// Back in the hammock //
I hope to sleep like a baby and wake up to daylight. I’ve done everything for today. I look down at my arms, but this time to enjoy the dozens of mosquito bites. I have red spots of all sizes. Drops are falling on the hammock. Great! Some animation.
// Out of the hammock //
I pack up my things and put the tarp back in place. I wait for the rain with a smile on my face, like a child, secretly hoping to see a huge downpour. 5 minutes pass. Nothing. False alarm. Emotional lift.
// Back in the hammock //
“Come on, Maxime, one more night and it’s over. Hold on!” I wonder what was the hardest. Number 1 without hesitation: the mosquitoes that force you to lock yourself in your hammock all day. Then surely the boredom, not knowing if time is passing, the feeling of being suspended in a parallel universe. Against all expectations, hunger, loneliness and thirst are not part of the difficulties of the experience (for me).
Speaking of loneliness, how far we’ve come! When I set out to pursue my dreams on the day after Christmas 2019, I was leaving with a big burden inside me: the fear of being alone, the fear of not being “enough” to be loved. For 15 years, I fought this evil by creating superficial noise around me. I filled this great emptiness with thousands of ephemeral relationships, not seeing that the answer to my unhappiness was within me and not outside. When I left for Sydney, I was excited but afraid of the big jump. Being alone 17,000km away, with no one and no landmarks. I often cried in my hotel room or drowned my sorrows in alcohol. I’m not going to go into detail on the subject, because it’s not the purpose of this story. But if the subject speaks to you or you are in the same situation, know that you are not alone and that this can change. I am the proof of it. The first step in this long battle was to go abroad, followed by the 10 days of Vipassana and the tour of New Zealand alone by bike. Then the breathing workshops in Sayulita and of course the highlight: my Bufo Alvarius experience. Months of work on myself allowed me to spend these 4 days in a mosquito hammock. The most beautiful message of this Vision Quest.
Enough chatter, the night is coming! I speak out loud for the first time since the beginning of the experiment. I thank the spirits for their messages, the jungle and the animals for their welcome. 72 hours I fast in silence. Crazy. My neighbour starts singing again. She’s right, let’s celebrate this moment. Day three. Male energy. The warrior that sleeps in all of us.
Strangely, I am very hot all of a sudden. Impossible to get into the sleeping bag without sweating. I fall asleep. New lucid dream. Woken up by the cold, I get into the sleeping bag. I decide to resume the dream where I had left it. I will wake up several times during the night, but without losing the thread of my dream. It works! I did not know that one could do that.
The Experience: Day 4
Waking up in the dark. I can see the end of the hammock, so daylight should arrive any minute. That’s it Maxime, you did it! Once again, you proved to yourself that you are capable of following your dreams.
// Out of the hammock //
Still have to pee? This is crazy, all this water.
// Back in the hammock //
Smiles on my ears. Can’t wait to pack up my mosquito cage, meet people and drink apple water. I feel good. Physically weak, but good. Very good indeed. The sun is here.
// Out of the hammock //
It’s time to pack up and return to civilization. I look at my installation one last time. Deep breath. I start to uninstall. 30min later, I am ready with my backpack, sitting on my tree trunk, excited like a schoolboy waiting for the school bus on the first day of school. Unfortunately, my excitement will soon fade away. Time passes but nothing moves at the camp. Knowing I was so close to my goal, my patience was very limited.
I get up to try to detect movement through the jungle. Nothing. I sit down. I walk a little. I sit down again. But what are they doing? They start to sing, it is a good sign. I perceive movements, agitation. The smile returns. Well, they are not singing anymore. Is this a joke? Oh no, it’s good, they are coming! YES!
A real parade for my freedom. Always the same ritual with the copal and the tobacco. I was told that we would follow the same path as on the first day to get everyone back one by one. SIR YES SIR, we leave no one behind.
Each movement to make my way through the jungle requires effort, a strong concentration to avoid any unnecessary energy expenditure. We end up recovering everyone in 30min. The volunteers carry our backpacks, which seem to weigh much more than at the arrival. Everybody smiles when seeing the cortege arriving, in spite of a visible tiredness on the hollowed out faces.
Back to the camp. All in a circle around the fire that has been burning for 4 days non-stop, I realize the meaning of the word “community”. Sergio gives a quick speech and invites us to enter the Temazcal to close the Vision Quest. What? No water before? Okay, I’m not that close anymore anyway. We all squeeze each other in the Temazcal. Faces have changed. Some have gone dark, others have tears in their eyes. The emotions need to come out. I wondered why one girl had been crying a lot since the beginning of the adventure, I learned that a community member had died the week we left for the jungle. One of the visionaries had a food ingestion the day before the first day, he was sick as a dog for his entire Vision Quest. I can’t imagine the added difficulty (well, a little)
As we exit the Temazcal, we are helped to our feet and given the long awaited glass of water. Trays of fresh fruit & almonds are also present. Each sip of water is a pure delight. I decide to move away from the fruit to aim for the full 4 days of fasting, or 96 hours. According to my calculations, I am at 90 hours. If I don’t see the fruit, I won’t eat it.
Sergio calls us one last time around the fire so that everyone can express their feelings. Everyone had a strong experience and seemed transformed. I shared my 3 main messages to the group: Time is relative, it’s up to you to do what you want with it, we are completely disconnected from nature and my journey as an ” ex-young-man-with-the-fear-of-being-alone “.
Sergio gets up, gives his last speech and throws a bunch of flowers on the fire. The Vision Quest is officially over. Suddenly, everybody is active to put away his things and the camp. We feel the present desire to find the heart of Tulum for a good shower! I am also active, but a dizziness calls me to order. I have flushes of heat, I feel all pale. I crack at the sight of a plantain grilled on a wood fire. A 91-hour fast will be fine for this first time.
Exit from the jungle. 15min in the sun with the backpacks and the equipment. I NEED ENERGY ! The banana was a good idea. 30min later, we are in the heart of Tulum at the Botanica center to “really break the fast” together. On the program: veggie soup, tortillas, white rice and fresh fruits. Everybody starts to work to prepare the buffet. I unlock my iPhone to let my friends and family know that everything is fine. I take a shower (OH-MY-GOD) next to the pool and roll myself a tortilla. That’ll be all for me, to you the studio.
My 6 visions (and their interpretations)
I prefer to warn you right away, there is no question of “psychedelic” or “transcendental” visions. Alone in your hammock, you will not see an angel come down from the sky or talk to the animals in the forest. If you are looking for thrills, I recommend you to read :
- My feedback on the Peyote and Bufo Alvarius ceremonies
- The 4 elements to know for a good psychedelic experience (and not a bad trip (in french)
- How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us de Michael Pollan
I agree, the title “Vision Quest” can be confusing. But I assure you, there are no visions here, only “messages” to interpret. If you took the time (and I thank you!) to read my entire story, you know what I’m talking about. If you jumped straight to the conclusion (I don’t blame you!), these are “simply” thoughts or moments of clarity, upgraded to “vision”.
In other words, the Vision Quest is a time of introspection where you LITERALLY spend your day thinking. After a while, without food, drink, coffee, or anything else, your mind becomes “clearer” and you take the time to ask yourself the right questions. That’s when the “messages” appear. Let me share mine with you:
1/ Time flies faster than you think
In Einstein’s theory of relativity, time dilation describes an effect of special relativity, where a difference in the time elapsed between two events is measured by observers moving relative to each other. The measurements differ according to their proximity to a gravitational mass. Basically, it indicates that the faster we go, the more time is affected.
My level of competence in physics stopped at the bachelor level, so I won’t go any further. On the other hand, this Vision Quest allowed me to realize, once again, that time is relative. We are conditioned in our current society to “speed up” the passing of time, to fill our days with meetings and interactions, to “do” rather than “be” (I know what I’m talking about!).
For 15 years, I was proud to be a “busy CEO”, to have “back-to-back” meetings and to post on my social networks at 11:12 pm statements like “where the hell did my day go?” In short, I valued not having time. I was cultivating this desire to not see time pass. But in the end, isn’t that like living life without taking the time to look at the landscape?
In 2019, I had been particularly moved by the book “Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World” by Cal Newport. But unable to put the teachings into practice, despite a strong conviction of their benefits. In other words, deep work is like a superpower in our increasingly fast-paced and competitive economy. And yet… we have lost that ability. 3 years later, after 90 hours lying in a hammock, I think I (finally) understand how to implement this in my daily life.
2/ We are (completely) disconnected from nature
As I reread my story, I realize the magnitude of this disconnection. It took 36 years for me to find myself sleeping in the wilderness for the first time. I imagine that this may sound ridiculous to many of you, and perhaps even unbelievable to some.
I’m just a kid from the suburbs of Paris with a perfectly normal (and wealthier than average) childhood. I just missed all the opportunities that came my way. Note: I was lucky enough to have grandparents with a country house in Brittany, near a big forest, where I could spend many afternoons playing with my cousins.
Nevertheless, the disconnection with nature was quickly made towards the end of the teenage years. That moment when girls, video games and Internet replaced without any difficulty all “outdoor” activities. At 18, I locked myself in a Parisian life, to get out of it only 15 years later, by the force of things. Thanks again to TF1!
I think back to this quote from Michael Pollan’s incredible book on psychedelics. Paul Stamets’ vision of mushrooms is “mind-blowing”. I reread the quote several times to understand what he was seeing. What if the answer to the problems we face ecologically was given by nature, the one who is directly harmed?
Stamets dilated on the idea of psilocybin as a chemical messenger sent from Earth, and how we had been elected, by virtue of the gift of consciousness and language, to hear its call and act before it’s too late. “Plants and mushrooms have intelligence, and they want us to take care of the environment, and so they communicate that to us in a way we can understand.” Why us? “We humans are the most populous bipedal organisms walking around, so some plants and fungi are especially interested in enlisting our support. I think they have a consciousness and are constantly trying to direct our evolution by speaking out to us biochemically. We just need to be better listeners.”
“How to change your mind” de Michael Pollan
If this is the case, and in view of the disasters that are coming, even if it is not, it would be good to stay connected with the planet. The challenge is big because everything is designed nowadays to disconnect us from it…
3/ My addictions (alcohol, sugar, caffeine and sports).
We all have at least one addiction. Whether it’s our phone, sugar, coffee, alcohol or (the worst of all) cigarettes. I also think that we don’t consciously choose our addictions. It’s a slow, invisible slide that we find ourselves trapped in one day. Personally, I have 4 conscious addictions that I recognize and “accept”.
The first one is sports (with my 10 to 16 hours a week). I can no longer imagine a day without sports. I feel bad about my body if I don’t give it at least 30 intensive minutes. And despite a physique well above standard (189cm / 83kgs / 15% bodyfat), I never feel “good enough”. I talk about it shyly in my newsletter #78.
The second is coffee (or rather caffeine) I drink 2 to 3 mugs of filter coffee (if possible V60), the most caffeinated coffee. When I see myself turning my schedule upside down if I don’t find coffee when I wake up, I realize the hold this beverage has on my body and mind.
The third is alcohol (or rather wine). On November 1st, 2020, I thought I had defeated this old demon (explained in my newsletter #087), but finally the success was short-lived.
The fourth one is my iPhone (or rather Instagram). I have tried, every possible technique to defeat my iPhone. It always comes back in force in my days (3 to 4 hours a day). If we look in detail, Instagram represents on average 25% of the time spent on my iPhone! I have tried many “anti Instagram” systems. ditto, without success.
All this to say that after 90 hours in a hammock without drinking, eating or iPhone, nothing was missing. I think I won a small victory: realizing that it is possible to do without! Now, it remains to know how to implement this in the next days.
4/ (re)learn to wait
In a world that goes faster and faster, isn’t it a strength to learn to slow down? I have the impression that it is a fundamental trend that is emerging everywhere, from yoga to retreats of all kinds, including personal development books (such as “Deep Work“). We are in the middle of the return of “Slow”.
The Vision Quest must be the most effective way to understand that we have lost our way in our current society. Between our back-to-back meetings, 15-minute delivery services and 500 notifications a day, we are in a downward spiral that is wearing us out every day.
Just like the rest, we are conditioned by design to suffer this acceleration of our lives. I don’t have any solutions to propose, just a simple observation to share, resulting from 4 days spent between two trees.
5/ An end of the fear of being alone
I could talk about this topic for hours, as it is not the subject of this experience (at least not all of it), so I will try to keep it short. My biggest “burden” when I set out to achieve my dreams at the end of 2019, was the fear of being alone, the fear of not being “good enough” to be loved.
I put both feet in the pie by taking a one-way ticket to Sydney after Christmas. Alone in a country I didn’t know, +17000km away from my close friends, I had no choice but to face the problem. Seeing that I was getting depressed (and drinking) alone in my room, I decided to go to the next step: 10 days in silence in a vipassana retreat + 12 days alone by bike around the South Island of New Zealand. Big slap in the face.
Mexico will bring the final hammer blow: 6 Holotropic Breathwork in Sayulita (I talk about it here in video) + my “Bufo Alvarius” experience. I came out completely free of this burden. 4 months later, I spent 4 days alone in the jungle without once thinking about loneliness or the fear of being alone. You could call that a great victory, no?
6/ Release the pressure (on my body)
If you have been following me for several months, you know that I am fighting a widespread but little publicized phenomenon: the feeling of never being physically good enough. This is called “bigorexia”.
Don’t worry, it’s still getting better and better. I found my salvation in data. I have always been attentive to my weight and my bodyfat as you can see on the graph below which summarizes my evolution over the last 15 years.
But it was the 415 day non stop caloric counting (explained in detail here) that had the biggest impact on the subject. I brought objectivity to my nutrition and realized how wrong I had understood everything. It allowed me to FINALLY get closer to what I was looking for and REALLY take my mind off it.
All this to say, that I observed my body changed during this vision quest. First of all, because I had to occupy myself. Second, because I lost 5kgs in 4 days, so the changes were noticeable. Well, you know what? I came out of the jungle with a perfectly healthy body, as thin as it should be, with the same muscle mass as on day one.
I realize that I can leave my body alone for several days and everything will be fine. I also realize that it is a well-made “machine” that manages itself very well.
So RELAX MAX!
If you are reading this, I thank you for your time and I hope it will inspire you to do your own Vision Quest. I don’t think a conclusion is necessary given the amount of information I have just shared with you.
However, know that I am available to you if you have any questions! The easiest way to contact me is on Instagram: @maximebarbier
100 coffees with 100 strangers (Timeleft 2021 Edition)